The Old Me *

*Note: This is just a simple thought process of mine. My thoughts are not usually this organized though.

Years ago, 12 years to be exact, I was in an accident that should have taken my life, but I got lucky. I was able to walk out of the hospital the same night with only whiplash and a couple of bruises, but I soon began to realize that came at a price. The price was my sanity. The pain that came with being alive began to be too much for me to handle and I began to search for a way out. I saw two paths ahead of me, one being medication and the other suicide. I chose to take the easy way out and began to plan. I had chosen suicide. I was ready to watch myself bleed to death.... WTF? My heart screamed at me. My mind was louder, but in the end my heart won the battle. I gave up my blade and started down the path called help.

I was afraid that I would find my way back to the path marked suicide so I distanced myself from everyone. I had created an invincible fortress of ice around my heart to protect me from everything. People and emotions held the same meaning for me.... they were all useless. I would use people and then throw them away before they could get to close. My mantra became two simple words "I'm fine". I would repeat them over and over until they became reality. I stayed that way for years, successfully distancing myself from everyone and everything until one sign changed my life.

The sign read "The American College of Martial Arts". Martial arts was something I had always wanted to do so I decided to give it a try.... why not? What's the worse that could happen? I made friends...that's what happened. The idea of me needing friends was laughable, but all the same I found myself needing to be with these friends. The friendship that the brainless one, my other evil half, mom, and teacher became something I needed. Being with them was something I looked forward to. My invincible ice fortress was now cracked and melting at a fast pace. I kept getting these feelings that I couldn't quite figure out. They were strange feelings, but not unpleasant in any way. Odd...love, peace, and contentment warmed my once cold heart and I was...no....I am happy.

My old self still wants to come back from time to time.... I know this because I still find myself repeating my mantra, but now I have even more people to turn to, more friends that I can depend on. More people, like my imouto, who accepts me for who I am. These people, these friends have now become my way of keeping my sanity. I won't share all of my pain with them, but they have seen me cry. Not such a bad thing.... in fact...I could get used to it.

Additional Notes:

It has been a while since I’ve written this. It’s amazing to see how far I’ve come. I am still afraid of becoming the monster I once was, but sometimes being afraid of something is a good thing. For many people fear holds fascination and sometimes obsession. I am one of those people. Emotions are still a sign of weakness for me and there is something within me that likes to remind me of that. I still have a tendency to pull away from those I love, but all in all I’ve come along way. How far I’ve come…people may never know, save for those few who can see the true me. People and all the emotions they hold has always terrified me. It’s an irrational fear that I may never be rid of, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try. I have a reason to try to better myself. I am forced to face my fears because now I could lose everything. The things I once hated and found useless are now the things that I cherish the most…and the things I need the most. I may not always be able to show my feelings or allow them to become spoken, but in my writings…I am free.