Prayer to the Goddess

Calm my heart,

And soothe my soul,

Let me know,

That you're in control.

Help me see,

That the end I fear,

Isn't as bad,

As it appears.

Guide my hands,

And whisper your words,

In my ear.

Help me see,

That the end I fear,

Isn't as bad,

As it appears.

I will abide by you,

And I will be true,

So help me now,

My Goddess above.

Embrace me,

And surround me with your love.

Let me know,

That you are there,

And that you,

Will always care.

Help me see,

That the end I fear,

Isn't as bad,

As it appears.

Silent Sufferer

I am suffering,

But no one sees.

I have no one,

To talk to.

I have no one,

To understand me.

I have no one,

To comfort me.

I am alone,

I am the silent sufferer.

I pretend,

That I am brave,

And I pretend,

That I'm okay,

Because that,

Is what's expected of me.

I do not cry out,

Where others can hear,

And I do not wail,

Where others can see.

I am alone,

And I am suffering.  

Year's End

Something is coming,

Coming for me.

I can feel it,

In the air that surrounds me,

And I can sense it,

In the earth that supports me.

I know what happens,

To those that can feel it coming.

You can't fight it,

Or stop it,

You can only let it come.

My heart grows warmer,

And my nerves are set on end.

I want to know,

What is in the cold wind.

I wish it would hurry,

If it's coming for me,

And I would like to know,

If it could set me free.

The veil is thinning,

As the year comes to an end,

So what is it,

That will come,

On the wind.

This is the Truth *

Not a day goes by,

That I don’t cry.

I cry for those who are gone,

And for those who are left behind.

I cry for those who love,

I cry for those at war,

And I cry for those in between.

I feel the weight of the world,

Raining down on me,

But I am too afraid to move.

I feel lost and alone,

In this great big world,

And all I want,

Is to feel at home.

I want to feel love and compassion,

Instead of fear and hate.

I know I should turn to God,

And ask for His help,

But it is so dark,

That I cannot see which way to go.

So I will sit,

I will cry,

But I’ll never ask God why,

Has He forsaken me,

Because in my heart I know,

That He is there,

Waiting for me,

To call His name.

Listen to Your Heart *

I can see the confusion,

That resides in your soul,

And it makes me want to kiss you,

Until the pain fades away.

I wish there was something I could do,

To make you look my way,

But all I have are these words,

Which I will now say…

Listen to your heart.

Your heart is there to guide you,

Down life’s dangerous path,

So trust it,

Obey it,

And listen to it always.

If you take my advice,

You may open your eyes to find,

That our paths,

Are already intertwined.  

People Like You *

I can feel it happening,

Time and time again,

But there’s nothing I can do,

Except let it happen,

All over again.

Why must people look at me,

And stare the way they do,

Just because I can’t stop,

Acting the way I do.

Your eyes condemn me,

And your heart turns away,

Before you know me.

You are quick to judge,

Just because you see me cry.

I may not be able,

To act the way you do,

And I may not be able,

To look just like you,

But I do have feelings,

That get ignored,

By people like you.

I hide my heart,

And stay where it’s safe,

Because it has been broken,

Beyond all repair.

You see me as strange,

But in my eyes,

I am normal,

Unlike people like you.

Bipolar *

Sometimes I feel,

As if I am in a downward spiral,

Going deep into the dark abyss,

With little hope for return.

Other times I feel,

As if I am in a dark cavern,

Trapped inside,

And I am screaming for the light,

Or for someone to rescue me.

I cannot stop,

The downward spiral,

Nor can I stop myself,

From going into,

The dark cavern.

I wish I could,

Stay in the light,

And be happy,

But the darkness always grabs me,

And drags me down again.

Every time I reach the light,

I fall back in the darkness again,

And thus the circle,

Stays unbroken.

My Traveling Companion *

The road of life,

Can be hard to travel,

Because it can take you,

To places you don't want to go,

And reality will leave you,

With out hesitation.

The truth can hide,

Within the darkness of your mind,

Leaving your heart hoping,

And wanting to be set free.

Love gets lost,

Within the confusion,

And begins to resemble,

The road to travel.

You cannot hurt the things,

That cannot be found,

And you cannot love,

From a heart that cannot be seen.

Why try to love,

When there is no one that wants to be,

Around a person,

Like me.

This world can be,

A lonely place,

When you have to travel,

Down the road of life,

With anxiety.

Blood Promise

Slicing,

Dicing,

I am bleeding again.

It flows down my arms,

And falls to the floor.

Pooling around my feet,

Then spreading far and wide.

I just want the pain,

To stop again,

And I want the demons,

To be quiet once more.

Maybe this time,

I will find peace,

And hopefully,

I won't wake again.

Take me now,

I'll give you my blood,

If you'll take my life.

My chaotic existence,

Is coming to an end,

And no one will know.

Just Fine

*Note: This was written with a certain person in mind. He should know who he is, assuming he will even read this.

I am okay,

But only because I have to be.

I can't let sorrow,

Take control of me,

Because I would be useless,

A shell of my former self.

I am fighting depression,

Every step of the way,

And the need to cut,

Is more than I can take.

Believe me when I say,

That I am okay,

But don't forget,

To read between the lines.

I will be alright,

Somewhere down the road,

But for now I will be,

Just fine.

Rage

* Note: This poem came from a moment that all I could see was red. Punching bags are great!

The rage I feel inside,

I give to thee and thine,

For it is your face that I see,

When the blood lust over takes me.

Food spoils as soon as it crosses my lips,

And the hunger that I once felt,

Is now as lost as me.

My hands shake the closer you get to me,

But my reasoning,

Is far beyond your understanding.

My hands itch to rip out your eyes,

Or to tear out your still beating heart.

The blade I have in my hands,

Is not for me you see,

It is so I can slit your throat,

Or to unzip your guts.

Please stay away,

If you know whats good,

And keep silent,

If you value your life.

I can't promise,

That I can control this rage I feel,

So don't ask me to.

The Song of Death *

Twisting,

Turning,

Pulling,

Pushing.

Plunge it in deeper,

And let it all spill out.

Sighing,

And dying.

Bleeding,

And relieving.

Plunge it in deeper,

And let it all spill out.

I try to resist,

But death calls me near.

Why do I want,

To stay by his side,

When he holds the knife,

That could take my life.

Plunge it in deeper,

And let it all spill out.

Kill me,

And thrill me.

See me,

Then be me.

Plunge it in deeper,

And let it all spill out.

Love me,

And cut me.

Heal me,

And seal me.

Plunge it in deeper,

And let it all spill out.

I am the reaper,

I am the seeker,

Plunge it in deeper,

And let it all spill out.

The Old Me *

*Note: This is just a simple thought process of mine. My thoughts are not usually this organized though.

Years ago, 12 years to be exact, I was in an accident that should have taken my life, but I got lucky. I was able to walk out of the hospital the same night with only whiplash and a couple of bruises, but I soon began to realize that came at a price. The price was my sanity. The pain that came with being alive began to be too much for me to handle and I began to search for a way out. I saw two paths ahead of me, one being medication and the other suicide. I chose to take the easy way out and began to plan. I had chosen suicide. I was ready to watch myself bleed to death.... WTF? My heart screamed at me. My mind was louder, but in the end my heart won the battle. I gave up my blade and started down the path called help.

I was afraid that I would find my way back to the path marked suicide so I distanced myself from everyone. I had created an invincible fortress of ice around my heart to protect me from everything. People and emotions held the same meaning for me.... they were all useless. I would use people and then throw them away before they could get to close. My mantra became two simple words "I'm fine". I would repeat them over and over until they became reality. I stayed that way for years, successfully distancing myself from everyone and everything until one sign changed my life.

The sign read "The American College of Martial Arts". Martial arts was something I had always wanted to do so I decided to give it a try.... why not? What's the worse that could happen? I made friends...that's what happened. The idea of me needing friends was laughable, but all the same I found myself needing to be with these friends. The friendship that the brainless one, my other evil half, mom, and teacher became something I needed. Being with them was something I looked forward to. My invincible ice fortress was now cracked and melting at a fast pace. I kept getting these feelings that I couldn't quite figure out. They were strange feelings, but not unpleasant in any way. Odd...love, peace, and contentment warmed my once cold heart and I was...no....I am happy.

My old self still wants to come back from time to time.... I know this because I still find myself repeating my mantra, but now I have even more people to turn to, more friends that I can depend on. More people, like my imouto, who accepts me for who I am. These people, these friends have now become my way of keeping my sanity. I won't share all of my pain with them, but they have seen me cry. Not such a bad thing.... in fact...I could get used to it.

Additional Notes:

It has been a while since I’ve written this. It’s amazing to see how far I’ve come. I am still afraid of becoming the monster I once was, but sometimes being afraid of something is a good thing. For many people fear holds fascination and sometimes obsession. I am one of those people. Emotions are still a sign of weakness for me and there is something within me that likes to remind me of that. I still have a tendency to pull away from those I love, but all in all I’ve come along way. How far I’ve come…people may never know, save for those few who can see the true me. People and all the emotions they hold has always terrified me. It’s an irrational fear that I may never be rid of, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try. I have a reason to try to better myself. I am forced to face my fears because now I could lose everything. The things I once hated and found useless are now the things that I cherish the most…and the things I need the most. I may not always be able to show my feelings or allow them to become spoken, but in my writings…I am free.

Reflection *

*Note: I’m not sure where this thought process came from, but it represents where I was at one point in my life. It also show’s me how far I’ve come.

She crosses the room intent on confronting the source of her insanity. She holds the knife close to her side, almost hidden from sight. “Who are you and why do you hate me? What have I ever done to you?” She screamed at the person across the room as she got closer. She got no reply, but that was nothing new. The woman never replied, only looked at her with rage and contempt. “That’s it! I will get rid of you once and for all!” she screamed at the woman as she raised her knife. She slashed across her chest and stabbed her in her stomach. In a final attempt the woman raised her own knife and brought it down across her wrist. She was losing blood quickly and the room began to faded. She dropped to her knees, closed her eyes and waited for death to take her. She opened her eyes to look at the woman as she lay dying as well. “Problem solved,” she thought smugly to herself. In her last moments before she left this world she looked at her room one last time. She wrote her last thought using her own blood, but no one seemed to understand it. It read, “What happened to my mirror?”

This is me

Please don't think harshly,

For I am who I am,

I'm just another human,

Guided by an upper hand.

I seek nothing,

Only a chance at life,

But all I'm allowed to see,

Are the walls that surround me.

I follow the Golden Rule,

So treat me,

Like I treat you.

I believe in the Three Fold Law,

So whatever you do to me,

Will come back to you times three.

Harm none,

Is a rule I do apply,

Because manipulating another,

Is an awful crime.

I keep to myself,

And my spells I do keep,

But they are for me,

To be better than I am now.

I am not going to hide,

Because beliefs are free,

But I'm not going to flaunt it,

Because that isn't me.  

Who am I to you?

Forgotten,

Lost in the dark,

Waiting on someone,

To just lend a hand.

Wanting to see you,

But not knowing how,

To approach you.

What is in your mind,

Under that cute head of yours?

Searching for the light,

But what will I see,

When the light finds me.

Confused inside,

Because I shouldn't be thinking,

The thoughts I do.

What would you say,

If you only knew?

Trust me,

And take my hand,

I won't get us lost,

Because I've got a plan.

See me,

For who I am,

And not for what I believe.

Give me a chance,

Or get to know me,

Then you will see,

I am only me.

Emotional Meltdown

Happiness,

Fades away,

Until there is nothing left,

But the dark gray of sorrow.

Anger,

With its bright red,

Replaces the sorrow,

And fills others with dread.

Hunger,

Always there,

Leaving you weak,

And barely there.

Staring into the blackness,

With no light to guide your way,

Left only with your emotions,

And they all want to play.

Wounded *

Broken,
Time is gone,
And once again,
I am left alone.
Beaten,
To the point of death,
But once again,
Death won't come.
Bloody,
My vision is darkening,
But once again,
Someone is saving me.
Bruised,
An ugly discoloration,
But now they are fading,
Gone until another day.
Wounds,
Healing until unseen,
They are gone,
But not forgotten.
Physical wounds will heal,
But the mental wounds stay alive.

Rogue

Honor bound,
But seldom heard.
Slinking in the shadows,
Without saying a word.
Lurking in the dark,
With a dagger in each hand.
Finding it's mark,
With a well trained eye.
Slicing and dicing,
Killing with ease.
Selfish ambition,
Is an assassins life.

What the Hell

What is this feeling,

That I have deep inside,

And why do I,

Feel the need to hide?

Why can I not,

Be who I want to be,

And just who in the hell,

Has control over me?
How do I move on,

When my feet are like bricks,

And why are my fears,

As heavy as cement?
Why do my tears,

And blood combine,

To show sorrow,

That may not be mine?

Can this be real?

Can this be right?

Why do I feel,

This need to fight?

So many questions,

Are running through my head,

That maybe,

I would be better off dead.

Oh what the hell,

I think I'll live instead.

Is there an Answer *

There are so many questions,

To be asked,

And so many answers,

To be shared.

Are you real,

Or just some myth?

I want to know,

I need to know,

So I can live my life.

Is there a heaven,

Is there a hell,

Or are we just made,

To fade away?

Did you make us ,

So people can hate us,

And why is there free will,

When there is no will to be free?

Was Darwin right,

Or just plain wrong,

And why do I,

Feel so alone?

What will happen,

When we die?

Will people be glad,

Or will they cry?

I have so many questions,

To be asked,

But the answers only confuse me.

I feel like a mouse in a maze,

Or a hamster in a wheel,

Going neither here nor there,

Or anywhere.

I feel so lost,

And so torn apart.

Why is the sky blue,

And the grass green,

And why do people say things,

That they don't mean?

Why do we work to earn money,

When we can't take it with us?

Do we live to die,

Or die to live?

I need answers,

Because I am afraid,

That I might lose my mind,

Or go insane.

Help me God,

If You are there,

Because I am lost,

And seek to be found,

So I can find answers,

To my unanswered prayers.

Demon

Where I am now,

Is not where I've been,

And where I've been,

Is not where I will be.

Walking in the moonlight,

Just holding your hand,

And wishing,

That you would understand.

I am eternal,

I have always been,

And will always be,

Long after your gone.

I am immortal,

Because the Fates made me so,

And I will continue,

To journey on.

If you want me,

Then be with me,

But understand,

That you must join me.

An eternal bond,

Is all that I ask,

A partner,

Until the last.

I will be worshiped by some,

But feared by all,

Because I am eternal.

I walk alone in the shadows,

Watching the ages roll by,

And toying with the humans,

When my boredom begins to cry.

I hide from the light,

Because I am a creature of the night,

I am a Demon,

And that is all I can be.

A Vampires Resistance *

*Note: This is something from my own mind and has nothing to do with Twilight or any other Vampire movie or tv show.

You say you want to be with me,

But do you know,

What that truly means.

I will resist.

I can hear your thoughts,

And see your fears.

I will resist.

I can feel your heart beat,

And smell your blood,

As it moves through your veins.

I will resist.

I hide my fangs,

From your prying eyes,

Because you are different,

From all the rest.

I will resist.

You sense my hunger,

And can feel my need,

In each passionate kiss.

I must resist.

The knife you hold,

The blood you let flow,

Holds more power,

Than you could ever know.

I must resist.

You pull my head down,

Until the blood flows down my chin.

I should resist.

I hide my fangs,

From your prying eyes,

Because you are different,

From all the rest.

I should resist.

You offer yourself to me,

In a hope that I will feed.

I can’t resist.

I drink of you,

I taste your soul.

Now I no longer have to resist.

Box *

The box.

What box?

That box.

There is no box.

Yes,

There is a box.

No,

There is not.

The box,

What box?

That box.

I still don't see a box.

It's right there.

No,

It is not.

The box.

What box?

That...

That?

Where did the box go?

There was no box.

The box.

WHAT BOX?

There once was a box.

Witch of the Night

Casting in shadows,

Surrounded by candle light,

I unleash my magic,

Because it has served me well.

I call on no demons,

And I try to do no harm,

But if I am threatened,

You had better run.

By the moon I dance,

And leap naked in the night,

Feeling the Dark Goddess,

Fill me with her power.

I am who I am,

Like it or not,

I am a witch,

And I know no equal.

I am a servant and child,

Of the Goddess of War,

And I am a daughter and friend,

Of the God of the Earth.

I am a witch,

And I know now equal,

I am a witch,

A witch of the night.

Whispers of the Insane *

Night and Day,

Day and Night,

Time moves,

And worlds turn.

Places keep,

People weep,

Skies darken,

And stars burn.

The grass is green,

The earth is brown,

The sun is up,

And the sky is down.

Might is right,

The world around.

Time is here,

So take it now,

And don't waste it,

Or the Gods will frown.

Life is great,

So make Death wait,

By taking the knife,

And slicing the vein.

Kill the depression,

And you'll live forever,

But if you keep the pain,

You'll die in vain.

Wrong or Right

Is it wrong,

To think about you?

Is it wrong,

To feel the way I do?

Is it wrong,

To want you to hold me?

Is it wrong,

To want you to kiss me?

Is it wrong,

To feel this lost?

Is it wrong,

To feel this blue?

Is it wrong,

To want you this badly?

Is it wrong,

To need you this much?

If it is wrong,

Then why does it feel so right?

If it is wrong,

Then I don't want to be right.

The Gods are Crying Again *

The Gods are crying again,

Because one of their own,

Is coming home again.

The Goddesses are getting ready,

Because their sons and daughters,

Are coming back to them.

The creatures are waiting,

Waiting to be loved,

By the one coming to see them.

The clouds are parting,

Ready to receive,

The new arrival.

The mortals are weeping,

Because the one they love,

Has just breathed their last.

Everything deals with the passing,

In many different ways.

There is no right way,

Just like there is no wrong way.

Laughing,

Crying,

Weeping,

Waiting,

And in the end,

There is only peace.

Written in memory of Sadie Kirby, Dandon to her loved ones.

Just Another Day

Today there is happiness,

And there is sadness,

Because today,

Is just another day.

The birds still sing,

And the sun still shines,

Because today,

Is just another day.

Why should there be,

A party for me,

Because today,

Is just another day.

What is there to celebrate,

When today,

Is just another day.

Curse of the Damned *

Black as night,

Soft as Snow,

Raindrops fall,

And storm winds blow.

All the evil,

That you brought to me,

I will give back to you times three.

Dark is light,

Up is down,

Left is right,

And back around.

Time is short,

So this will have to do,

And I hope the Dark Lady,

Gives you a curse or two.

Kiss the knife,

A drop of blood,

A wing of bat,

And all is done.

May your pain increase,

While your thoughts run slow,

And may my curse find you,

While you are low.

Insanity Plea *

I keep telling everyone that I'm not crazy and that I don't belong here, but I don't think anyone believes me. I just get patted on the head, handed some pills, and sent on my merry little way. I am not crazy! In fact I seem to be the only sane one here! Would someone please just LISTEN TO ME!! No...not that...anything but that...fuck.

I keep telling everyone that I'm not crazy. Eventually someone has to believe me...right? I don't belong here because this hospital is for crazy people and I am not crazy. Why won't anyone BELIVE ME!!! No...not again...I'll be good...damn.

I keep telling everyone that I'm not crazy, but no ones listening to me. I think that they might be drugging me to keep me silent. They don't want anyone to know that I am sane...that I am not a patient. I don't belong here...you believe me right? RIGHT?? AH! You can't fool me I know what you are doing...you can't keep me silent forever...ah hell...this again.

I keep telling everyone that I'm not crazy, but I don't think that this tactic is working. Maybe if I act like everyone else they will let me out. Hey...wait...I'm not doing anything wrong...no...anything but the sho....

I kept telling everyone that I was not crazy, but that didn't work so I started to act like everyone else. So far this tactic is failing because they still keep drugging me. It's a conspiracy...they are after my mind. I WON'T LET YOU TAKE IT!! Gods damn it....here we go again...

There ploy seems to be working because now I'm starting to believe that they are right. I am crazy...I don't belong on the outside...what if I kill people... hmmmm... ouch...I wasn't... shit...

They are starting to sneak up behind me now...jabbing me with their needles even when I am being have...being hav....behaving...right that's what I am. I'm being have. Owowowow....what was that for....

A straight jacket? Seriously? Is this really necessary? Straight jackets are for crazy people and I am NOT CRAZY!! LISTEN TO ME YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS!! AND QUIT JABBING ME WITH THat needle.....

Alright already...I give up..you win...see me waving the white flag...oh wait...I can't wave anything because I'm in a straight jacket and strapped down to a bed. I don't see why all of this is necessary...what you are doing to me is for crazy people...I am not a crazy person...don't you think that I would know because there is nothing worse than a crazy person who doesn't know that they are crazy. 

Morrighan

As I sat here,

And began to cry,

You sent your winds,

To dry my eyes.

When I started,

To mourn my loss,

You folded your dark wings,

And kept me safe.

When I spoke,

About such things,

My words fell flat,

So that only the chosen,

Were allowed to hear.

Alone in the dark,

I began to wail,

You took me in your arms,

And comforted me.

I am your child,

Your sister,

Your friend.

I am one of your own,

And I know,

Where I belong.

Lost

Sanity and Insanity,

So closely intertwined,

That you dance,

Along the fine line.

Swaying to the beat,

Of the invisible band,

While hoping,

That someone will lend a hand.

The balance of life,

Is only an illusion,

But hold onto it,

So you can dance a little longer.

Death is a reality,

That we all must face,

But it seems unimportant,

When you are lost in the sway.

Sanity and Insanity,

Hangs onto the blade of a razor,

As you find purpose,

In the blood you are shedding.

Unbroken

You cut off my wings,

Now I can not fly.

You took my sword,

Now I can not fight.

You took my armor and shield,

Now I have no protection.

You killed my companions,

Now I am alone.

You abandoned me,

And took everything from me,

So now I have nothing.

If you thought,

That this would destroy me,

The you are wrong.

From nothing,

I became something,

And I can do it again.

I will survive,

And I will endure,

Because I am strong.

I will fly again,

I will fight again,

I will be safe again,

And I will love again.

Life goes on,

And will wait for no one.

So I must pick myself up,

And continue my journey,

Because the end,

Is still so very far away.

Let the Blood Flow

Cutting,

Severing flesh.

Watching,

Blood flow.

Pain,

Seeping out.

The pain I feel,

Will never overcome my sorrow,

But life will go on.

The blood I shed,

Are like tears,

When crying just isn't enough.

The pain I feel outside,

Lessens the pain I feel inside,

But it only helps for a while.

I must continue to shed my blood,

And my tears,

Or my sorrow will overflow.