It All Fades Away

Dripping venom,

Poison from with in,

Killing sorrows,

Of kith and kin.

I dream of days,

Where all pain,

Fades away,

But nothing comes,

And I am alone again.

No one cares,

They only stare,

As if the blood,

Wasn't really there.

Needles in my head,

Voices from within,

Telling me to kill,

And kill again.

Why must it go on this way,

Why can't it all go away,

Why.

The blade is so close,

The body trembles,

The smallest touch,

And it will all go away.

The pain fades,

The blood drains,

And all is ending.

The last breath,

The light fades,

And no one is there,

To hold your hand.

Inside the Darkness

Do you know what it's like,

To be too afraid to speak,

For fear that your words,

Will break the weak.

To be silent,

When you want to scream,

Is a terrible feeling.

When words escape,

Chaos ensues.

You speak the truth,

And you write your fantasy.

The darkness within,

Should never be seen,

Except through the words,

That escape from the pen.

There is no title to this because no title is needed. Those who truly know me will understand the meaning behind the words in this poem. Someone recently read a poem titled Unbroken and I would like to thank whoever did. I had forgotten about this poem and it really describes me right now.

Now for the poem you came to read.

Balanced on a blade,

A life hangs in the balance.

Not knowing what to do,

She turns to those who care.

Blinding trust,

To stay alive,

She doesn't want to die.

Looking over the edge,

With suicide lurking below,

She flees in terror.

Ignoring fear and pain,

She pushes past,

And life goes on.

Life is still balanced,

But no longer in peril,

Because she knows she is loved.

A loving embrace,

And a lovers face,

She knows her place.

When the Wheel Turns

When I close my eyes,

I see your face,

And all I want,

Is to feel your embrace,

One last time.

I miss your smile,

I miss your laugh,

I miss the way,

You wouldn't say,

What was on your mind.

You are my Dad,

For just 10 years,

And I wish,

You had always been.

I can't bare to think of you,

In that cold ground,

But I know,

Why you're not around.

You can not walk me down the isle,

Nor can you see,

My little one smile,

I do not know,

What I will do,

When these things come to pass.

I cry and scream,

But you can not hear,

What I have to say.

I want to see you one last time,

But I know,

I'll have to wait.

Until the veil has thinned,

And the wheel turns once more,

When Samhain has come,

Then I can see you again.

Just thought you should know...

Since I have decided to embrace my religion I thought it would be a good idea to write it down. It's not really a religion, more like a thought process, but I will use the word religion because it is easier. Being a curious creature I can't help but learn new and exciting things. The different religions of this world is no exception. Through my learning I have found that I don't like structured religion. I don't like people telling me what to believe, what I can and can't do, and how to worship. The closest religion/belief system that matches what I believe is Paganism. Paganism is a nature based belief system. There are no rules saying you have to believe this and you can't believe that. There is freedom in this. You worship what God(s)/Goddess(es) that call to you and you can do it your way.

Since I brought up Deity let me explain my idea of Deity. There is only one being that created everything. That being is neither male nor female, it is both. Now some religions only believe and worship the male aspect of this Creator as a God. While others only believe and worship the female aspect as a Goddess. Then there are some that worship both aspects as a God and Goddess. I belong to the later. There is something comforting and balanced about this that calls out to my unbalanced mind. I also believe that there is no right or wrong when it comes to how and what you worship. To me there isn't one true religion. How does one decide if your religion is the one true religion? The followers of the one true religion believe that everyone who doesn't believe is going to hell/Hades/whatever you want to call it. Well if everyone thinks that their religion is the one true religion the hell is going to be awful crowded.

Let me ask you this and I want you to actually think about it. If hell means being separated from your Deity of choice the couldn't you say that living is a form of hell?

This brings up my next point... reincarnation. I choose to believe in reincarnation because I can't imagine any Deity giving you only one chance to get things right, while giving you multiple things to choose from.

These things bring me comfort and make loosing loved ones a little easier. It's important now more than ever as I watch my Dad as he lays here dying. I know some of you reading this won't agree with what I believe, but please understand my reasons.... and don't try to talk me out of what I believe because you won't change my mind.  

Daddy

I see you lying there,

Wasting away to nothing,

And I don't even know,

If you realize that I'm still here.

You want to leave this world,

And Daddy that's okay,

Because in the end,

It's better this way.

Unaware of your surroundings,

Not knowing where you are,

You seem so frightened,

But in bed is where your at.

I wish I could tell you,

That it's okay to die,

But I have a hard time,

Just looking you in the eye.

There are so many things,

That I wish we could have done,

And I wish I had been your daughter,

Right from the very beginning.

I may not have liked you,

When you first dated my mom,

But I grew to love you,

Because it was part of your charm.

You took me in,

Despite my destructive ways,

And you became my dad,

In every way that counts.

I love you,

And I don't want you to leave,

But I understand,

That the Gods are calling you home.

So go be with Them,

And see your mom again,

If that is what you want to do.

Please don't forget us,

And we won't forget you,

Because you will always be my Dad,

No matter what anyone else says.

I don't have to words,

To say this out loud to you,

So I hope my love and intention,

Finds it's way to you.  

Banishment Spell

So here I am,

Back at the start,

With thoughts of dread,

Running through my head,

And plaguing my heart.

I banish the voice of doom,

That whispers to me at night.

I banish the fingers of dread,

That caress my cheeks.

I banish the worm of doubt,

That crawls over my heart,

As it looks for a way in.

I banish thee,

All negativity must flee from me.

Mindless Chatter

Is anyone there,

To hear me when I cry,

Or will it go unnoticed.

Will someone hold me,

To ease me of my sorrows,

Or will I be ignored.

Will someone be here,

To pick me up when I fall,

Or do I walk alone.

Alone in thought,

Walking down the road,

I cry my silent tears.

I want to be comforted,

But I don't want to show my pain,

So am I waiting in vain.

Thoughts of you,

Flow through my mind,

And my heart fills with gladness,

So why do my tears,

Flow silently down my cheeks.

Too many thoughts,

My mind is in chaos,

So I can't see the razor,

That I am balanced on.

I feel my self tipping,

On the edge of falling,

Will no one stop me.

My sorrow fills my heart,

Until it brims over,

And my tears fall like rain.

I know someone is there,

And I know they care,

But why do I feel so alone.

Can you see my pain,

And can you feel my heart breaking?

I needed you here,

And you went there,

But it's okay,

Because I told you to go.

Can you do me a favor?

Can you come back to me,

As soon as you can.

The Tunnel

~ This is just a note so I don't freak out the people who know me really well. I am trying to stay strong while watching what's happening with my dad, but sometimes it is hard to stay balanced on the razor blade I have been put upon. With out the people who love and care for me I don't know where I would be and I really don't want to find out. I have to write things down to get them out of my mind because if they are left there to fester... gods only know what could happen.

Now for the actual poetry.....

I can feel myself slipping,

Down that dark,

Unending tunnel,

And there is nothing I can do,

Nothing I can hold on to.

I am standing at the edge,

Looking down in to the abyss,

And all I can think of is,

What's it like down there.

I don't really want to go,

But curiosity always kills the cat.

The walls of the tunnel are so smooth,

That all it would take,

Would be one step.

That one step,

Would take you all the way to the bottom.

The end is nothing,

Nothing but a pool of blood.

I should know,

Because I've been there before,

And it took me years,

Just to get out again.

If I go,

I don't think I'll ever get out again.

The Well

Lead me through the forest,

And part the vines,

They block my passage.

Take me to the well,

And allow me to cleanse,

Negativity begone from my life.

Take me to the well,

And allow me to smell,

Evil has no place here.

Take me to the well,

And allow me to drink,

Heal me O Goddess.

Take me to the well,

And allow me to swim,

Cleanse my heart and soul.

Take me to the well,

And allow me to see,

Positivity come to me.

Take me to the well,

And allow me to touch,

Freedom is an open door.

Take me to the well,

And allow me to be,

Safety is in reach.

Take me to the well,

And allow me to feel,

Love surrounds me.

Take me to the well,

And allow me to rest,

Sleep is so far away.

Take me to the well,

And allow me to recharge,

I have all that I need.

Lead me back through the forest,

And leave me in the clearing,

So I can find my way home again.

Thank you!

I want to thank those of you who have continued to read the chaotic nonsense that comes from my mind. Keeping track of my two blogs it is obvious that I am a wee bit better at writing poetry than I am at story telling. I have continued writing my story because the characters in my mind demand it be done, but I haven't been updating "The Guardians of Karnash" blog. I will give it a week or so before I delete it completely. I always look for and welcome any feedback given to me, but no one seems brave enough to give it on either blog.

Fondest Wish

Through the dark of night she creeps,

While the stars shine,

And the moon shares it's light.

With her fangs bared,

And her prey in sight,

She stalks forward.

Hidden by the shadows,

With the bats as her guide,

She moves quietly.

It is her first hunt,

And she wants to do well,

Because she is blood borne.

Bitten first,

And then drained of blood,

She was given a gift,

So she joined their ranks.

She is elemental,

She is a tiger,

She is a vampire.

She is a hybrid,

The first of her kind,

And loved by all.

She sneaks up behind,

And wraps her fingers through his hair,

She has wanted him,

From the very beginning,

And tonight,

She will make him her slave.

She pulls his head back,

And bites deeply.

He is hers,

Now and forever,

Just as she,

Belongs to her master,

And his council.

They will praise her,

And she will raise in the ranks,

But best of all,

She is accepted.

Her fondest wish,

Has finally come true.

Mother, Hunter, Tiger

**Author note: This was suppose to be a short story, but I couldn't get it to work so I turned it into a poem. I can't promise that this (or anything else I post) will be any good, but it is something that came from me. This is a new style of writing for me so it the flow is wrong or a bit off I apologize. I would appreciate some feedback on this so tell me the truth.... I know I won't get any because no one really reads this blog.

She tilts her head

First to the right

Then to the left

As she surveys her surroundings.

This place is new

But also old

Because in a way

She's been here before.

She smells the rain

Coming from the east

And she can smell the ocean

Coming from the west.

Above her is the sky

With it's clouds

As white as snow.

Below her is the ground

Firm and steady beneath her paws.

She senses that her prey is near

So she crouches low to the ground.

Stalking her prey

She creeps slowly closer

She can smell her prey

But her prey can not smell her

So she thanks the Wind God

For her luck has changed.

Her ears move minutely

As she listens for cries of alarm.

Hearing none

She springs forward

Running as fast as she can

In order to take down her prey.

She leaps onto the back

Of the unsuspecting animal

And drags it down.

She rips out its throat

With one practiced bite

And she relishes the feel of the blood

As it drips of her muzzle.

She let's go of the dead animal

And lets out a small cry of relief

Before dragging her meal back home.

When she got within seeing distance

Of the cave that is now her home

She sees three sets of eyes

Peering out at her from the gloom.

She drops her prey

And scents the air around her.

Sensing no danger she gives a low

But commanding grunt.

Three miniature versions of herself

Run out to greet her

And to see what mother has brought home.

Motivation, Procrastination's Enemy

~ I'm not one for explaining my poems because I like for them to speak to the individual reading them. This poem is a little different. I'm slow when it comes to motivating myself to do things, so when motivation hits me... it really hits me, as in smacks me upside the head. If you, the reader, takes something from this poem then that is great, but just remember that this poem is mostly for me.

Don't like your job?

Then go out and find one.

Don't like your life?

Then go out and get one.

Need more money?

Then go out and find some.

Want things to change?

Then go out and change it.

Want to be on your own?

Then go out and do it.

Want me to stop?

Then come shut me up.

You sit on your ass,

You whine like a little bitch,

And complain every step of the way,

But you still expect things to change.

Your life is your own,

And you can't get things for free,

So get off your ass,

And change your fate.

Life is a story,

And you have the pen,

So pick it back up,

And start writing again.

Dance in the rain,

Jump into puddles,

And smile once in a while.

This is your motivation speaking,

And you haven't heard the last of me.

Dreams, Mad Scientist and Half Breeds

          This thought process might not be coherent, but I want to try and tell you about it anyways. There is a mad scientist that runs through my dreams and he invades my waking thoughts. It is to the point that I wish he was real. In my dreams I always save someone... be it my best friend, my boy friend or my parents. I save them from whatever serum that is in the needle he holds in his hand. I take their dose as well as my own. I'm always expected to die, but I never do. Instead I become something else. I am not a human nor am I an animal... I am a half breed, a walker of both worlds. I can hear the animals and understand them when they speak. I don't understand what has happened to me and I forget a lot of things that humans do on a daily bases, but I am happy. I feel comfortable in the body I now inhabit. It is a human body with the ears and tail of a white Siberian tiger. Also, I have the ability to turn into a full tiger. When I wake up from these dreams I feel as if I've become something I'm not. Being a half breed in the dream felt natural, but when I wake into a pure human body... It's strange because I feel like I'm not supposed to be human. I wish I could explain this feeling better, but I think that no matter what I say it's going to sound strange. I wake up feeling as if I've been cheated, like my destiny is just out of my reach and the Fates are laughing. I know that there's something to these dreams, but if a message is being sent I'm just not getting it. I know... if I keep talking like this the men in the white coats will come for me with the straight jacket, but I can't help the way I feel.  

Fuck If I Know

I am tired of living,

And I want to be free,

So what do I do,

To achieve that goal.

Should I join the circus?

No, that isn't me,

Besides I would let all the animals free.

Should I join a Pagan Folk Band?

No, that isn't me,

Besides that I can't play or sing,

They probably wouldn't let me join their team.

I am tired of living,

And I want to be free,

So what do I do,

Before I loose control.

Should I join the Army?

The Navy or Marines?

How about the Air force?

Yeah you're right,

That isn't me,

Besides,

What would the military want with a woman,

Who is afraid of guns.

Should I run away,

And turn my back on this forgotten land?

Not anymore,

That used to be me,

So trust me when I say,

That way lies insanity and death.

I am tired of living,

And I want to be free,

So what do I do.

Blood or Music

This feeling,

Welling up inside,

Making it hard to think,

Making it hard to breathe.

I want it to end,

This feeling of mine,

But it won't go away,

Until the blood runs down my arm.

This uncontrollable urge,

Taking over my mind,

Until all I can see,

Is the blade severing my flesh.

The blood runs,

And drops to the floor,

So unimportant,

But so calming.

I need the blade,

To calm the urge,

But I am afraid.

Will I be able to stop this time?

A sound fills my ear,

And the urge to cut,

The urge to die,

Slowly drains away.

What is this feeling?

Is this peace?

They say that music soothes the savage beast,

Looks like it can also soothe,

A demon like me.

Words*

Chivalry,

A word long forgotten,

In the hearts of many.

Death,

Has come,

The world is no more.

Love,

Hidden in the depths,

Of a heart enclosed.

Life,

Is fleeting,

So hold onto today.

Hold,

Me close,

To keep me warm,

Fight,

For me,

Drive away the darkness.

Heart,

Is beating,

Mine is yours.

Belong,

To you,

Only to you.

Kiss,

Me now,

It makes things new.

Hug,

Me tight,

To keep me safe.

I am me

I may not be beautiful,

And I may not be sexy,

But I am me.

I'm a little big around the middle,

And short too,

But I am me.

I can be kind,

Or I can be mean,

But in the end,

I am me.

Hate me,

And I will hate you back,

Because in the end,

I am me.

Love me,

And I will show you,

All that I can see,

Because in the end,

I am me.

To me the world is evil,

Full of chaos,

Full of pain,

But it is my place,

Because in the end,

It was made for me.

I made my world,

And all that surrounds me,

Because in the end,

I am me.

I am wild,

I am free,

I can be who I want to be,

Because in the end,

I am me.

Love me,

Or hate me,

Makes no difference to me,

Because in the end,

I am me.

Me, Myself, and I

Life is too short,

To let things get you down,

But you let it anyway.

You take on the world,

You protect it,

And care for it,

But what about yourself.

There are those around you,

Who want to show you,

That things can change,

But you ignore them,

And make your own way.

When you are down,

You can't hear the song in wind,

Or feel the love of the rain.

Danu reaches out,

But you can't feel her embrace.

You make excuses for how you feel,

But you still hide the truth deep within.

Your mind is in turmoil,

But who made it that way,

And when will it end.

Listen to the sounds around you,

Because they will show the way.

Let the light be your guide,

But let the darkness embrace you.

Let the weight of the world,

Roll off your shoulders,

And let it puddle around your feel.

Dance in the rain,

And watch your worries melt away.

If someone reaches out to you,

Then you should run to them,

Embrace them before they can embrace you.

Papa

I know in my heart,

That I must move on,

But it seems so hard,

Knowing that your gone.

I wear my fedora,

In memory of you,

Because your compliment,
Was one of the last things,

That you said to me.

I keep your memory close,

So I know that you are near,

But I can't see you,

And you can't wipe away my tears.

I wish you were here,

With your wife by your side,

But you are both gone,

To the next life,

And beyond.

Morrigan guide them,

And let the stay together,

As warrior and wife.

Cernunnos help us,

Because we were left behind.

I will always remember,

What you meant to me,

And I will always love you,

Until I too,

Am set free.